Ordinary Day

Re: Children with disabilities

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 02:32:44 GMT

Careful with the short acting stuff, can cause ups and downs that will become more apparent after the body has adjusted. You may prefer switching to the long acting ones for a smoother day. You don't need to take the long-acting ones every day either and it's once a day so you don't need to worry about the second dose being taken at school.

I feel guilty and like a horrible mother constantly. Kaesye wouldn't act like this if it wasn't for me - kind of thing. Hubby assures me it's not true but at the height of screamfests (between any combination of the 3 of us) he points out that he told me years ago if I didn't lay off this would happen :( Which do I believe? Doesn't matter. We always blame ourselves when something goes wrong with our kids anyway.

Columbine's right though. It's a medical condition that you have no control over. You could actually end up causing more problems in the end if you continued to fight treatment. Eyes can fix themselves (mine did) but more often than not, your sight will get worse if you don't get glasses. His problems could straighten themselves out in time or could get worse without the Ritalin. You can always take him off later but it's hard to undo damage caused by struggling for too long without, hoping he'll get past it on his own.

Re: Children with disabilities

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 02:20:05 GMT

Carol - what if he needed to wear glasses, and you bought him a pair of glasses? Same basic deal. I can't talk my thyroid into giving up its ongoing civil war, and couldn't even if I were freaking Mother Theresa, so I pop a pill daily too. These things happen.

Love, Columbine

Re: Children with disabilities

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:19:00 GMT

The same reason we all do. We're moms and guilt goes with the territory. I have one kid with AS and another attending counseling for anxiety...I've felt like a failure many a time. You're not alone.

Re: Children with disabilities

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:33:20 GMT

Okay, so I now have a bottle of Ritalin in my meds cupboard and my son swallowed a pill for the first time this morning. It's a low-dose, fast-acting pill so I don't have to give it to him everyday and the effects should wear off in a couple of hours. I have no problem medicating appropriately, although I am likely to put off giving meds for as long as possible in any instance. Why do I feel like a failure? Why do I feel like I'm giving in to something?

Re: Children with disabilities

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 19:49:32 GMT

Thank you Holly, I will check that out.

Lyndz, you know that I completely understand what's happening in your life right now. It hasn't even been a year yet since I left Jim. It was scary for me, as you all know. But in the last 10 months, I have been happier than I have in the last 15 or more years. It's been so hard financially and I've had to do a lot on my own, but it's worth it. My kids found it a relief to be away from the fighting. Of course, Jim continued to be a jerk for many months, causing the animosity to continue. My kids are older than yours and unfortunately, the damage to their psyches has been done. As you all know, Chelsea suffers from anxiety and is seeing a counselor. Lyndz, you are doing the right thing, let me say that first. Of course the kids don't understand right now why they can't live with both of their parents because regardless of how you two feel about each other, they still love BOTH of you. You are doing the best thing possible by not fighting in front of them or over them and keeping them out of it. It is tough, I know. In the long run they are going to benefit from TWO happy parents, but it will be hard for awhile. The MOST important thing for them to understand is that none of this is their fault. I have also told my kids that I respect that they love their dad and just because I don't love him anymore, I don't expect them not to. And I don't expect them to take sides. There are some wonderful books for young children about divorce. Mr. Rogers wrote a really good one. Check out the library for it and other ones. It may really help. What also helped Chelsea was knowing that her cousin Olivia was going through the same thing because my brother and his wife split up at the same time that I left Jim. I'm going to pm you new email address, since we used to chat on msn and I'd like to do that again. Remember to take care of yourself too, Lyndz. That's important to your kids. Depression, anxiety and feeling bad for the kids can take you over. Try not to let it. You deserve to be happy and your kids will notice the difference and be happy for it too eventually. In the mean time, be patient. There may be acting out, tears and blame put on you for what they're feeling right now. I wish you and the kids well and hope for only the best to come out of this. It may be a long road, but it's worth the walk. Believe me, I know.

Re: Children with disabilities

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:20:08 GMT

Hello Trace, and anyone who has replied to this thread and are touched with disability in some way. There is a new social networking website that has launched for persons with disabilities called OurTownEarth. It was started in Atlantic Canada, actually by an individual from Cape Breton. You can find it at www.ourtownearth.com .

There are several parents who are on this site, who have children with disabilities, and the things you were speaking of I've talked with them about... avoiding going anywhere, wanting to talk to people about it... I just happened upon this thread when I was looking through the site and thought I would mention it for anyone who may want to check it out.

Re: Children with disabilities

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:17:22 GMT

Hey all. Question for you. Can anyone give me some advice on how to help kids deal with a seperation? We are not talking about Divorce yet, but living apart. We still get along ok, and refuse to argue about anything where the kids are concerned. But my daughter seems to be taking it hard. I think its been nice. I think its the longest we have gone without arguing in too long.

Re: Children with disabilities

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 13:38:48 GMT

Free advise is worth the price you pay for it!

Sometimes giving others the benefit of your experience is helpful sometimes it is not, thats why I refer to specific circumstances, how I dealt with them and what worked for me. You can't know everything about another's situation or understand the personalities of someone you have never met, you can only offer what you know to be true for you. The offer is proof that you care about others and that is what makes life worth living... caring about others.

Cindi I can't even begin to immagine how you get through your days, you must be a very strong person. Don't put your care off, you need to take care of you it doesn't seem like anyone else is about to do that for you. Take the sister in law for a ride MIL can have her it is where she should be.

Kudos Tee I have nothing to offer but distant support, no experience here other than my niece used to work at a simular facility sponsored by the association for community living. She refered to it (affectionately) as the poo factory as some residence were never/unable to be potty trained.

I must say I read the last few posts with a tear in my eye... Yeah we are a great bunch (I will include myself) We come together to share and support each other for no other reason than we are all human and have experienced life a little harder than some. We all offer advise when asked and as long as all asking realize they don't have to take the advise we freely offer there should never be an issue. I do know that there are some very wise people here I have benefitted from some of their experience too.

Re: Children with disabilities

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:22:02 GMT

Many times, an ear and support is the greatest gift I've received from the people here. It can mean a lot more than anyone imagines.

Re: Children with disabilities

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:51:58 GMT

You all are simply amazing and through my tears right now I feel privileged to be a part of this group. To me you all are the Great Big Wonderful Family. The encouragement has stabilized my foundation and given me enough nudge to make that hard move.

I wish I could offer advice as part of a contribution to this thread but it seems I don't have much to offer but an ear and a lot of support. The strength everyone here shows is beyond my scope! Stay strong.

Re: Children with disabilities

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 04:10:16 GMT

Cindi, hugs to you. You have a whole load of trauma to deal with, and I think your husband is being very unfair to expect you to put your recovery on hold to deal with his sister. I am sorry that you had to go through such a horrible experience, and your husband should be more supportive of you.

Probably the best thing would be for your mother in law to petition the court for legal guardianship, and then there can be some contact with the appropriate agencies. She may (and probably will) resist the idea, but you must be firm in this. You cannot deal with the responsibility of becoming her guardian.

I am very fortunate that my brother (who has Down Syndrome) can function at a relatively high level - at least sixth grade. He can read and write (print at least), dress and care for himself and is capable of working and getting around by bus. I do know people whose children/siblings need more care, and there are several resources in our area and organizations that run group homes.

Tee, I applaud you for wanting to set up such a place. There are lots of young people out there that need a place to live as their parents get older and cannot care for them. One organizaiton you may want to consider contacting is L'Arche - they run several homes in Hamilton that are residences for people with mostly developmental disabilities - Down Syndrome and the like. They may have some useful advice to offer you. I know that if my husband and I had not been able to take my brother in to live with us when my mom became unable to care for him, I would have been looking into a place like L'Arche.

This forum especially is a great one for anyone that really needs a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. You all are so supportive of each other, and even if I can't offer any useful advice I feel like I can just pop in to say hi and give virtual hugs to anyone who needs them.

I must close with another amusing tale from my brother. He has been growing a mustache/beard combo as that is how his facial hair grows - mostly just around his mouth and chin. We had shown him how to just trim the loose hairs from his cheeks and told him that the next time he goes to the barber he can ask the barber to trim the rest. Well, Saturday morning he comes downstairs and tells me he decided to trim the mustache part himself - he had shaved it almost all off! Once I stopped laughing I reminded him that I wanted him to leave that part to the barber. Ah well, not quite as funny as when he shaved one eyebrow completely off, but still worth a giggle or two.

Re: Children with disabilities

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:34:50 GMT

isotoper:
Well I told my husband last night that his mother needs to step up to her responsibility and get Amy to these agencies and in the system. Plus she needs to take Amy. He's very upset and says I'll have to explain to Amy why I don't want her here anymore. Truth be told I'm dealing w/my own PTSD issues for the first time and I need my home as my refuge. I can't deal w/her breaking my things, leaving my doors unlocked, beating my parrot w/a piece of wood, even melting my microwave from the outside and then come home from work wondering what I'll see next.

Your husband is acting cold and cowardly.

I told my husband he has 2 people in his life needing help and he asked me to put off my therapy from being stalked, kidnapped, raped, and attempted murder until his sister is taken care of. That was yesterday. Sorry, I shouldn't unload. But the point is he's more worried about his sister and his mother (retired PhD nurse in child abuse - go figure) taking care of her. My heart went out to him, albeit my broken heart.

To him? You need your heart. Don't loan it out to someone who breaks it by taking you for granted. Amy's clueless (although she may be using it to the max), but he has no excuse to join his mother in using you as the target for the consequences of your mother's egotistical refusal to get Amy the help she needed when she was young. First your mother shoved her off onto you, and now your husband is doing the same. Stick with your eight-month deadline come hell or high water, or you'll be nothing but a floor-wipe for the both of them for the rest of your life.

And if this is the only place you can get a sympathetic ear, I'd say "unloading" isn't a bad idea.

Love, Columbine

Re: Children with disabilities

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:13:00 GMT

Caroldohn:

Fran - It may be that you've come to the point where simply sitting down to do the work will get you both on the defensive.

You are most definitely right. Don't know about her, but I'm ready for a fight as we walk in the door. I've decided the problem is that she's as stubborn as I am and she refuses to be bullied into submission by me. She won't win the fight but she refuses to concede defeat. She'll oppose me, whatever the fight is about, until she's punished and then get pissed that she ended up punished. It's not that she doesn't learn her lesson, it's that she can't help but argue over it.

Re: Children with disabilities

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 22:48:52 GMT

just some random thoughts, having tried to catch up on the thread.

Cindi - I get how disappointing it must be to have you husband side with his mother and sister on this. You house is your home too, and you seem to need your space to deal with your own life. I don't know much at all about dealing with "10 year old adults", but a ten year old would get that she can't live in someone's house and break their things without there being consequences. It's a shame you don't have your husband to back you up on this, though. I did work with a woman with a metal age of about 8-10 for a few months at a daycare. She was there as part of a work program. She was allowed to help in most areas (kitchen, playing with the kids, cleaning up) but never unsupervised. She was great, but had always had her needs acknowledged and met without being catered to.

Tee - are there any gov't grants available? small business grants/loans? maybe other group home-type places could tell you what they do? Corproate sponsors and events (like Daffodil place did) would bring in the large amounts for start-up but I have no idea how to get into those. (and no, our business is too new to help, sorry!)

Fran - If Kaseye is doing as well in school as she seems, I'd be tempted to just skip the homework and ignore the teachers for awhile, so long as her grades don't slip significantly. It may be that you've come to the point where simply sitting down to do the work will get you both on the defensive. School is important and we all want our children to be brilliant, but we should be able to enjoy them, instead of constantly trying to 'improve' them.

Well, ladies, it seems I'm just full of my own advice. Feel free to vent all you want and tell me I have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't. Really, I'm just trying to lend my support to you all, because you're all beautiful people for simply trying to deal with what you've been exposed to instead of ignoring it.

Re: Children with disabilities

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 21:45:06 GMT

Cindi - your MIL can become her daughter's legal guardian. She'd need a court to do it and then would be making all decisions for Amy...and Amy could not stop the treatments at that point, but until someone takes legal guardianship - she is legally her own guardian.