not addressing any one in particular - just throwing something out there, hoping for some input. 

I am currently in the planning stages to open a home for youth/young adults with mental and/or physical disabilities.  the planning part is what's difficult for me!  I have someone who is helping me with the business plan, but there is only so much that she can do.  What I really need is someone who knows how to do all of this stuff, what part of the government to approach for funding etc. 

I also know that I am going to have to do some fundraising on my own - I will need to raise substantial amounts of money too!  If there is anyone who is willing to help out in any way - would partake in fundraising activities, would donate money, time, expertise, has ideas for fundraisers that would bring in large $$, anything at all to help, it would be appreciated more than you can imagine!  If you want more information on exactly what my plans are, please feel free to ask, I am always happy to share with people - especially if they are going to support me.  I don't want to hear how hard it's going to be, or things like "do you really think you can do that?" - please, prop me up only, don't bring forth negatives!  I need people who believe in me to help me through this difficult stage of the process.  Believe me, every day I have times where I think things like "I can't do this, what was I thinking" or "there's no way I can come up with the money for this, maybe I should give up" But then I think about how the youth/young adults (13 to 30 is the age range I am planning) are the ones who are forgotten and fall through the cracks.  I think about a 24 year old client I had who is totally dependant on others for everything, but wanted a sense of independence from his parents but when he looked for a group home to move to, there was nothing out there for someone his age.  so I press on, I work on the business plan, I do research, and I pray that I will be sent the help and guidance that I so badly need!

Thanks in advance for anything anyone offers up!!

Tee

:)

Hi everyone, again thanks for the amazing assistance. I've contacted several of the agencies and have a plan. Or so I thought, but it's going to be ok regardless. Amy has never been told she's special. As a result, and from reading her high school psych eval where she got very angry and wouldn't do most of the testing,

I'm not sure how this will all go. The agencies seemed to point in he same common direction and that involves getting interviewed by them, but at any point Amy can say she doesn't want to do it and from there all efforts must stop. Apparently she's her own legal guardian and has been, which still just floors me. She's been passed around from one place to another living with friends or families. So what's flipping me over the edge is the fact she can say no to any piece of this process and it stops.

Well I told my husband last night that his mother needs to step up to her responsibility and get Amy to these agencies and in the system. Plus she needs to take Amy. He's very upset and says I'll have to explain to Amy why I don't want her here anymore. Truth be told I'm dealing w/my own PTSD issues for the first time and I need my home as my refuge. I can't deal w/her breaking my things, leaving my doors unlocked, beating my parrot w/a piece of wood, even melting my microwave from the outside and then come home from work wondering what I'll see next.

 I told my husband he has 2 people in his life needing help and he asked me to put off my therapy from being stalked, kidnapped, raped, and attempted murder until his sister is taken care of. That was yesterday. Sorry, I shouldn't unload. But the point is he's more worried about his sister and his mother (retired PhD nurse in child abuse - go figure) taking care of her. My heart went out to him, albeit my broken heart.

So, we'll see. In the meantime I'll continue listening to GBS albums and finding hope in their songs to pull me through.

Fran, I'm happy to hear Kaysae is brilliant. Could she be bored at your house and not at school? 

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Cindi

The girl who can't dance says the band can't play

Born in Argentia, raised in Placentia

Cindi,

Strength to you and your hubby to get thru this together. Here in the US, anyone 14 years old or older has the final say in their mental health care and can stop treatment at any time. This is unfortunate in most cases, I'd wager. At least it was for us when my son was involved in the melntal health system. You do what you can and hope for the best. Insist that some things be attempted and if it doesn't happen, sometimes you just have to pick up and dump the problem on someone else. Nothing to stop you from taking a car ride to the in-laws and dropping her off. SOmetimes you have to push the envelope to get action. It is always hard and you always will second guess yourself, but if she is not cooperating, you have no other choice, do you? Status quo is NOT acceptable. It's not working. Good luck n your endeavors. Patience and determination are needed.

Anne

---

And when the winds of change begin to blow,
I'll whisper, "You're my lighthouse" in case you didn't know.

Sons of Maxwell

visit my website!:
Anne's Philly Phan Site at http://www.gbsfanatic.com

Tee,

Have you contacted the local Mental Health/Mental Retardation Agency? How about Department of Human Services to find out about the rules, regs and needs of the clientele? You will need 24-hour care 365 days a year. WHo will provide the counseling and the billing services? WHo will do the interviewing? No help I realize, but these are some places to look. I do agree that people who are young do need places to go when their families can't/won't care for them anymore. God bless you in your quest to help.

Anne

---

And when the winds of change begin to blow,
I'll whisper, "You're my lighthouse" in case you didn't know.

Sons of Maxwell

visit my website!:
Anne's Philly Phan Site at http://www.gbsfanatic.com

Cindi - I'm sorry to hear of what you went through and quite honestly if I were you I would be extremely upset with my husband for putting his sister first.  I think it was Anne who said - take a drive to the in-laws and drop her off - this should not be your responsibility, especially when you have so much to deal with of your own.  My thoughts are with you, hope things work out for the best for YOU.

Anne - I do know aleady that I will need to be licensed under the MInistry of Community and Social Services as well as the Ministry of Child and Youth Services.  Yes, I will nee 24 hour care, 365 days a year - I will live in a part of the home and will have staff (paid and volunteer) so that will be covered.  As far as such things as counselling, if needed, it would be something arranged by the family or legal guardian of the resident.  I am not focusing on youth who would have issues that could be resolved with counselling, but rather cognitive or physical impairments that will be with them throughout their lives and are not "curable" for lack of a better term at the moment.  Any billing for additional services that the residents receive, again would be arranged and paid for by the families.

thanks for the input, all thoughts and ideas are appreiated.

Tina

:)

Cinid, that's awful. There's no excuse for your husband not supporting you but he's probably instinctively "saving" the weakest person. He knows his sister can't get by at all by herself and he figures you can at least manage a little more than she can. That's a problem with being a strong person, everyone forgets that you can be weak and vulnerable and need help too. He's probably also figuring that things can settle down in a few months with her and then he can deal with other things. It's not right and, like all men, he's deluding himself. No matter whether or not you, your husband, or your MIL are willing to take her in, she can't be left alone. She could cause serious damage, hurt herself, or others. I don't know what you've looked into but perhaps a group home would be best. One where she could have some freedom and still work if she can get another job, but one where there's always someone around to look out for what's up.

 

Tee, "What was I thinking" is something that goes through anyone's head at any given day and will go through yours repeatedly, no doubt. That doesn't change that fact that you CAN do it and you WILL do it. You are a determined person. Take anyone who even tries to hint differently and the governmental red tape you're sorting through and wrap it around their mouths :) 

---

"I see you in the front row, bouncing up and down, you're ripped and ready for a night downtown." ~ Margarita
What's wrong with a little flirtation?

Monster Tee

Cindi - your MIL can become her daughter's legal guardian. She'd need a court to do it and then would be making all decisions for Amy...and Amy could not stop the treatments at that point, but until someone takes legal guardianship - she is legally her own guardian. 

 

---

Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus
"Take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." E. Wiesel
OKP's Resident B****
Imprudens est draconem vivum de consiliis tuis omittere.
Steet team Leader for NYS, OH and Southern Ontario.

just some random thoughts, having tried to catch up on the thread.

Cindi - I get how disappointing it must be to have you husband side with his mother and sister on this.  You house is your home too, and you seem to need your space to deal with your own life.  I don't know much at all about dealing with "10 year old adults", but a ten year old would get that she can't live in someone's house and break their things without there being consequences.  It's a shame you don't have your husband to back you up on this, though.  I did work with a woman with a metal age of about 8-10 for a few months at a daycare.  She was there as part of a work program.  She was allowed to help in most areas (kitchen, playing with the kids, cleaning up) but never unsupervised.  She was great, but had always had her needs acknowledged and met without being catered to.

Tee - are there any gov't grants available?  small business grants/loans? maybe other group home-type places could tell you what they do? Corproate sponsors and events (like Daffodil place did) would bring in the large amounts for start-up but I have no idea how to get into those. (and no, our business is too new to help, sorry!)

Fran - If Kaseye is doing as well in school as she seems, I'd be tempted to just skip the homework and ignore the teachers for awhile, so long as her grades don't slip significantly.  It may be that you've come to the point where simply sitting down to do the work will get you both on the defensive.  School is important and we all want our children to be brilliant, but we should be able to enjoy them, instead of constantly trying to 'improve' them.

Well, ladies, it seems I'm just full of my own advice.  Feel free to vent all you want and tell me I have no idea what I'm talking about.  I don't.  Really, I'm just trying to lend my support to you all, because you're all beautiful people for simply trying to deal with what you've been exposed to instead of ignoring it.

---

Sing an unwritten song or repent for the deeds you left undone.- GBS
If curious means that you trade your routines for something free, the freedom you feel's the whole point of the deal so curious I'll be! - BNL
Priates over Ninjas!!

Caroldohn:

 

Fran -   It may be that you've come to the point where simply sitting down to do the work will get you both on the defensive.  

You are most definitely right. Don't know about her, but I'm ready for a fight as we walk in the door. I've decided the problem is that she's as stubborn as I am and she refuses to be bullied into submission by me. She won't win the fight but she refuses to concede defeat. She'll oppose me, whatever the fight is about, until she's punished and then get pissed that she ended up punished. It's not that she doesn't learn her lesson, it's that she can't help but argue over it. 

---

"I see you in the front row, bouncing up and down, you're ripped and ready for a night downtown." ~ Margarita
What's wrong with a little flirtation?

Monster Tee

isotoper:

Well I told my husband last night that his mother needs to step up to her responsibility and get Amy to these agencies and in the system. Plus she needs to take Amy. He's very upset and says I'll have to explain to Amy why I don't want her here anymore. Truth be told I'm dealing w/my own PTSD issues for the first time and I need my home as my refuge. I can't deal w/her breaking my things, leaving my doors unlocked, beating my parrot w/a piece of wood, even melting my microwave from the outside and then come home from work wondering what I'll see next.

Your husband is acting cold and cowardly.

I told my husband he has 2 people in his life needing help and he asked me to put off my therapy from being stalked, kidnapped, raped, and attempted murder until his sister is taken care of. That was yesterday. Sorry, I shouldn't unload. But the point is he's more worried about his sister and his mother (retired PhD nurse in child abuse - go figure) taking care of her. My heart went out to him, albeit my broken heart.

To him?  You need your heart.  Don't loan it out to someone who breaks it by taking you for granted.  Amy's clueless (although she may be using it to the max), but he has no excuse to join his mother in using you as the target for the consequences of your mother's egotistical refusal to get Amy the help she needed when she was young.  First your mother shoved her off onto you, and now your husband is doing the same.  Stick with your eight-month deadline come hell or high water, or you'll be nothing but a floor-wipe for the both of them for the rest of your life.

And if this is the only place you can get a sympathetic ear, I'd say "unloading" isn't a bad idea.

Love, Columbine

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Cindi, hugs to you.  You have a whole load of trauma to deal with, and I think your husband is being very unfair to expect you to put your recovery on hold to deal with his sister.  I am sorry that you had to go through such a horrible experience, and your husband should be more supportive of you.

Probably the best thing would be for your mother in law to petition the court for legal guardianship, and then there can be some contact with the appropriate agencies.  She may (and probably will) resist the idea, but you must be firm in this.  You cannot deal with the responsibility of becoming her guardian.  

I am very fortunate that my brother (who has Down Syndrome) can function at a relatively high level - at least sixth grade.  He can read and write (print at least), dress and care for himself and is capable of working and getting around by bus.  I do know people whose children/siblings need more care, and there are several resources in our area and organizations that run group homes.

Tee, I applaud you for wanting to set up such a place.  There are lots of young people out there that need a place to live as their parents get older and cannot care for them.  One organizaiton you may want to consider contacting is L'Arche - they run several homes in Hamilton that are residences for people with mostly developmental disabilities - Down Syndrome and the like.  They may have some useful advice to offer you.  I know that if my husband and I had not been able to take my brother in to live with us when my mom became unable to care for him, I would have been looking into a place like L'Arche.

This forum especially is a great one for anyone that really needs a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on.  You all are so supportive of each other, and even if I can't offer any useful advice I feel like I can just pop in to say hi and give virtual hugs to anyone who needs them.

I must close with another amusing tale from my brother.  He has been growing a mustache/beard combo as that is how his facial hair grows - mostly just around his mouth and chin.  We had shown him how to just trim the loose hairs from his cheeks and told him that the next time he goes to the barber he can ask the barber to trim the rest.  Well, Saturday morning he comes downstairs and tells me he decided to trim the mustache part himself - he had shaved it almost all off!  Once I stopped laughing I reminded him that I wanted him to leave that part to the barber.  Ah well, not quite as funny as when he shaved one eyebrow completely off, but still worth a giggle or two.

You all are simply amazing and through my tears right now I feel privileged to be a part of this group. To me you all are the Great Big Wonderful Family.  The encouragement has stabilized my foundation and given me enough nudge to make that hard move.

 I wish I could offer advice as part of a contribution to this thread but it seems I don't have much to offer but an ear and a lot of support. The strength everyone here shows is beyond my scope! Stay strong. 

---

Cindi

The girl who can't dance says the band can't play

Born in Argentia, raised in Placentia

Many times, an ear and support is the greatest gift I've received from the people here. It can mean a lot more than anyone imagines.

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Free advise is worth the price you pay for it!

Sometimes giving others the benefit of your experience is helpful sometimes it is not, thats why I refer to specific circumstances, how I dealt with them and what worked for me. You can't know everything about another's situation or understand the personalities of someone you have never met, you can only offer what you know to be true for you. The offer is proof that you care about others and that is what makes life worth living... caring about others.

Cindi I can't even begin to immagine how you get through your days, you must be a very strong person. Don't put your care off, you need to take care of you it doesn't seem like anyone else is about to do that for you. Take the sister in law for a ride MIL can have her it is where she should be.

Kudos Tee I have nothing to offer but distant support, no experience here other than my niece used to work at a simular facility sponsored by the association for community living. She refered to it (affectionately) as the poo factory as some residence were never/unable to be potty trained.

I must say I read the last few posts with a tear in my eye... Yeah we are a great bunch (I will include myself) We come together to share and support each other for no other reason than we are all human and have experienced life a little harder than some. We all offer advise when asked and as long as all asking realize they don't have to take the advise we freely offer there should never be an issue. I do know that there are some very wise people here I have benefitted from some of their experience too.

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~The mind is like a parachute, It always works best when it's open~Edna Buchanan~

~Northern Spy~The Apple of my Pie~

~Audrey~

Hey all. Question for you. Can anyone give me some advice on how to help kids deal with a seperation? We are not talking about Divorce yet, but living apart. We still get along ok, and refuse to argue about anything where the kids are concerned. But my daughter seems to be taking it hard. I think its been nice. I think its the longest we have gone without arguing in too long.