I don't know if this is the first time Jim has done this in front of his parents or not, Trace, but it's not a good sign.  Things are starting to escalate and you need to get yourself and your kids out of there.  Right about now I'd be seeing if you could stay with Tee or your mom, get the kids out of there now.

Also, let FACS know about Jim's behaviour tonight because there is no excuse for his behaviour.  And, if he's willing to threaten Adrian in front of his own parents leaving Adrian behind when you leave might not be a good idea.  At the very least let Adrian know that your door is always open to him should he decide he needs to get away from Jim.  I think he'll need that.  But definitely have a backup plan in case Jim comes home swinging...

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Don't feed the idiots or they'll continue being idiots...

 Jim came home happier than a pig in shite. So he no doubt snowed his parents. Which bothers the hell out of me because I care deeply for them and respect their opinions of me. As I've often said, Jim could sell ice to Eskimos. I don't know how, but he just has that ability. Except for people who truly know him, like MY family. I plan to call his mom later when he's gone and find out what happened. Unfortunately for Jim, I have kept a journal over the years and if he managed to make his parents believe that he is innocent, I am willing to read excerpts from that journal to his mother. (Oh... Bon, yeah, that WAS the first time he'd done anything like that in front of his parents, so it was quite a shock for them.)

I read your post to Adrian, Bonnie. He's beginning to realize the seriousness of this. I have a couple of apts to call, one is a 3 bedroom. Hopefully, I can get the hell out of here soon.

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

He may only THINK he's pulled one over on them. They probably did try to talk to him, they probably know that you are telling the truth but cannot bring themselves to completely confront their kid.

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"I see you in the front row, bouncing up and down, you're ripped and ready for a night downtown." ~ Margarita
What's wrong with a little flirtation?

Monster Tee

I spoke to his mom and basically, you're right, Fran. They tried their best. I gave her a few truths and told her that if I wanted to I could have him forcibly removed based on last night and other things. But I haven't because I don't want to cause humiliation to my kids with the cops arriving here. But I told his mom (when she said she'd talk to him again) to advise him that should I do that, he will automatically only be allowed supervised visitation with Chelsea and that me getting full custody will be a breeze. Oh and I told her that her son is nuts. Surprised me, but I did. I also said that I didn't just wake up one morning and think, 'Hmm, I think I'll get divorced'. This has been a long time coming. It's not out of spite or vendictiveness, it's just that I've had enough.

One thing bothering me is still Adrian. I have bent over backwards trying to make this as painless as possible for him and he seems intent on giving me nothing but grief. A few mins ago I told him that I want him to be mature enough to realize that it doesn't matter where we live or what we have as long as we're safe and happy. He starts screaming at me that he wants a room big enough for all his stuff, his bed, dresser, computer, etc. I couldn't take anymore. I told him to stay here with his father then. I don't want anything to happen to him, but I can't take his crap either. I've done all I can to make him understand and I don't know what more I can do. If I wasn't already on meds, I'd surely be needing them now! 

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

If Adrian stays with Jim once Jim no longer has a motive to play Good Cop, and ends up the only target in the house, he may very well figure out what's really going on.  But it may take that.

Love, Columbine 

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Unfortunately, you are right, Col. Maybe Adrian needs to WANT to leave. I'm just sorry it has to be that way.

In the meantime, my girl has worked out her own visitation schedule for her and her dad. She's being so mature about it all. Her best friends' parents are divorced, so I think they've been talking. Chelsea knows I don't want to rip her away from her dad or destroy their relationship. But she also needs to understand that if Jim's behaviour continues to escalate, she won't be allowed to be alone with him or have sleepovers.

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

Trace I would hazard to say that Adrian is being an ostrich. He wants to believe that his world will never change after all this is all he has known and it's been ok up til now so why change it. It's the  inability to have or understand empathy. You are going about this the right way with him, he needs to have time to get used to the fact that a change is coming, when all is said and done he will see that the change was necessary. He may choose to stay in his familiar surroundings, however he will most likely not enjoy them anymore once you and Chelsea are gone. Chronologically he is 18, his mental age is most  likely 2-5 years less, unfortunately because he is 18 he does get to make his own decisions, this is a live and learn lesson.

My problems are to deep to go into right now, I'm on vacation from work for a week and considering running away from home for a few days to release the pressure, however finances may keep me home.

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~The mind is like a parachute, It always works best when it's open~Edna Buchanan~

~Northern Spy~The Apple of my Pie~

~Audrey~

Audrey, go ahead, let loose! Lord knows I have!

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

AARRG!

It's a privledge to live in my house now that you have surpassed the age of legal consent and gol darn it I will not be disrespected put up and shut up or go!!!!!

Just checking out how its gonna sound when the overextended, unemployed bums get outa there everlovin beds. I am done I'm mad as heII and I'm not gonna take it anymore!

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~The mind is like a parachute, It always works best when it's open~Edna Buchanan~

~Northern Spy~The Apple of my Pie~

~Audrey~

GO AUDREY!

I went to look at an apt last night. Waaay too small. When I got home, I was on the phone with a guy who had an ad for a free picnic table. When I got off the phone, Jim said, 'What was that about...an apartment?'. Now, before this, he was getting angry that I was looking to move. Now he's asking  if I'm looking? It has become apparent that he has no intention of leaving. Crap.

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

Trace ~ In situations like this the man rarely has any intention of leaving...I may have mentioned that, I can't remember.  You are doing the best thing by looking for your own place.  At first you may need to look at getting a place that is too small, just so you can get out of there.  It ain't pretty but you have to do what you have to do...my first place w/ Kris and I after we left my abusive ex was tiny - my current basement suite is bigger than that place.  Once I found a better place I took it.  Just try not to sign a lease, or if you have to don't sign one for a 12-month period if the place is too small.

In my experience it seems that a majority of men follow the same pattern when going through this.  They pretend to be accomodating when they have no intention of being so nice, they get your hopes up only to bring you down in a bad way, and they are nice only when it suits them although they are always looking for an opening to run you down.

When I left my concern was just getting away from my ex and I took the first place I found.  I didn't even care if I got a two bedroom for my son and I, I was fully prepared to sleep on the couch and give him the bedroom if I could only get a one bedroom.

I guess it boils down to doing what you have to do, and being prepared for the worst but hoping for the best.  I would suggest giving yourself a deadline as when you have to be out of there and into your own place.  It might help a great deal.  Just a suggestion.

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Don't feed the idiots or they'll continue being idiots...

Every day Bon, I just wish he'd GO. But I'm realizing it ain't gonna happen. It's part of his plan. When I leave then I'M the bad guy who broke up the family...I'M the bad guy who made the kids move from their house. I can just hear him now..."We could have stayed here in our house as a family, but your mother had to have her way".

I have the 'luxury' at the moment of being able to find what I want in an apt. There's a certain area I want it in too. I feel it's the least I can do. I mean to make it less painful for the kids. But if I haven't found exactly what I want, where I want by Dec1, then I may have to make concessions. And you never know, I may get angry enough to use what I have on him to have him forcibly removed. I'm trying to spare my kids the humiliation of that scene, but it's certainly a way of enabling me and the kids to stay here. But on the down side, it would certainly piss him off, and he knows where the house is and that I'm in it.

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

Trace2716:

And you never know, I may get angry enough to use what I have on him to have him forcibly removed. I'm trying to spare my kids the humiliation of that scene, but it's certainly a way of enabling me and the kids to stay here. But on the down side, it would certainly piss him off, and he knows where the house is and that I'm in it.

That's difficult.  Do the kids understand that you're refusing police assistance for safety reasons?  For that matter, in a lot of places, the police department can refer you to an advocate who you can talk it over with, who's seen this kind of thing many times.  It might be good to just have another willing ear and a voice of experience who can tell you what other endangered mothers did to keep abusers' games from trashing the kids' self-esteem.  Adrian's too easy a tool, with his fragility, and will be used to hurt you, but there may be ways to at least keep him from being so damaged by being Designated Weapon.  Might be worth asking, anyway.

Love, Columbine 

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He hasn't physically harmed me, but it has been made clear that he will, if he feels he has nothing to lose. And he's so short sighted and quite frankly, nuts, that he can't see that having the kids simply move out of his house is not 'losing' them. Saying he'd have nothing to lose because the kids don't reside in the same house with him is an insult to them. If he harmed me, they could possibly lose their mother, AND they'd lose him to jail.

I've explained to both kids that I don't want a scene that makes them the talk of the neighbourhood and humiliates them, that being police escorting their father from their house. As much as I don't want to move, I'm going to, just to keep the 'peace'. And I will probably not tell him where I'm living. We can have a place where he picks up and drops off Chelsea, like a coffee shop or my sister's house.That is, if I permit him to have that kind of visitation. Who knows...FACS may have something to say on that one. The woman called me this morning wanting to meet with Jim. He still knows nothing of their involvement and I know he's going to freak out about it. Another day in paradise for my kids.

 

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

Trace > In light of what of what is going on I seriously recommend having an escape plan of some sort.  Even if it's a matter of having a shopping bag with a change of clothes hidden away in an easy place to get...or having a few changes of clothes for you, Chelsea, and Adrian at Tee's or your mom's.  Be prepared to run in case Jim does freak out.

When you do get out DO NOT tell him where you are living.  I am getting the feeling from what you are saying that he wouldn't be above showing up on your doorstep and stirring up more trouble, up to and including getting you evicted.  As well, I recommend supervised visits with Jim.  No drop offs or pick ups.  Quite frankly, I do not trust Jim.  Especially if he's even so much as implying that he will hurt you.  Also, when you do move try to leave when Jim is not home.  It will help to prevent him from following you to where you are moving to.  Or, have your brother make sure Jim doesn't leave while you are getting what you can out of the house.

I would set Dec 1 as the day you'll be in your own place.  If FACS does speak to Jim and they get a particular vibe from him they may give you a deadline to get out.  For your children's safety.  If you don't follow what they lay out they will be within their rights to take Chelsea out of the house and place her into foster care.  I'm not so sure about Adrian because it depends on how Ontario deals with 18 year olds in situations like this.  He may be too old to fall under their jurisdiction, I don't know for sure.

Ultimately, the choice is yours.  Hopefully everything will work out alright for you and the kids.  (((HUGS)))

 

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Don't feed the idiots or they'll continue being idiots...