Me too. It made me smile. (Col has a way of making that happen!)

I've said to myself that a) I don't want my kids to think that THIS is what love and marrisge is and b) I don't want my daughter to think she has to be less of a human because she's female. I was talking with her this morning and the one thing she's confused about is Adrian. Her feelings about him are all over the place. She loves him, but he drives her crazy. She hates his outbursts, she hates what he gets away with that she doesn't etc. In a way, she wishes he'd leave too. The daily problems about food would be gone, the yelling on his part, him treating her like a nuisance. Then she feels bad for thinking it. So maybe a pattern IS emerging in her to feel bad for thinking what anyone else would think and just realize they're only human. I think Chelsea wants to stay in her home, but also wants to move with me and start fresh. But if Jim really leaves, I won't be able to manage all the bills on my own. It won't be long till we would have to find somewhere else anyway. I've thought of letting my niece live here and pay rent, but I think I may just be getting rid of one problem and adding another. I love Monica, but she is moody, swears too much, thinks she can do whatever she wants, etc. The extra cash would be good, but I think I have to be logical and forget about it. I'm definitely looking into the disability cheque for Adrian. It will be needed. He can have half of whatever it is, and the other takes care of his clothes and food. (Since Chels and I figured we'd probably spend half of what I do on groceries if it was just she and I!)

And speaking of groceries, I'm off to do that. Have a good day everyone.

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

Tracey,

You know how I feel about Jim, and that I think you and the kids would be better off without him in your life.  Having done a similiar thing in my life, I know it's not easy but I also know you can do it.  You are stronger than you realize, and you have all of us here to lend you at least emotional support.  That is often the thing you'll find yourself needing more.

As for Monica moving in, I think your are the the right track with thinking that it might be a problem.  You need to focus on YOU and your children.  Adrian is old enough to make up his own mind, but Chelsea needs you.  Even though it might mean that you have to move into a smaller place it will be for the best.  Sometimes just a change of scenery for both of you will help a lot.  Why stay in a place with memories of sadness?  Find a new home and fill it will good memories! 

You know where to find me...I'm on MSN a lot, and I'll be an ear for you, and a shoulder to cry on.  Well, not literally but figuratively.  I'm here for you, m'dear :)

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Don't feed the idiots or they'll continue being idiots...

Tracey: As mom's we always do what is best for our children, sometimes we lose sight of ourselves in the process, the greatest shock my children experienced was when I went back to work. They always saw me as the mom who just stayed home to look after them. It will be a big adjustment for your children to see you as something other than Mom who is dads wife or who stays home and looks after them, but they will in time.

You could start the job search by looking at things you could do from home. Last year Sears had some people from homes processing catalogue orders, all you need for that is a computer(and not a new one) Check out the job opportunities at Sears.ca. There are lots of online job boards now that you could access from home to see what is available You might find something you could do easily that fits your schedule and your families schedule as well.

There are more options for you than having your niece move in, if that is not going to be a positive influence for Chelsea maybe it's not a good idea. This will take a lot of strength, it will be tough sometimes and we are here for you morally, I know you are brave and have a good mind and heart and will make the tough decisions because they are right for you and your kids.

You know where i am if you need me!

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~The mind is like a parachute, It always works best when it's open~Edna Buchanan~

~Northern Spy~The Apple of my Pie~

~Audrey~

I'm monopolizing this thread with MY problems! Sorry guys. I know you all support and encourage me and I really needed that. Right now, Jim seems to be squatting. He says he's leaving, but doesn't do it. I'm in limbo and hating it. But he keeps putting nails in his coffin. He complains that he can't spend time with the kids because I don't work so he has to work twice as much, but then takes a day off yesterday and at 6:30 heads out to a friends' house to fix his wife's email...5 hours later he's still not home. I have no idea what time he got home. I'm going to ask Adrian when he gets home from school. And what was very fishy to me was that Jim showered before going, and left wearing his nice work pants and a new jacket. Uh huh. But you know what? I don't even care WHERE exactly he was, it's that he says he wants to spend time with his kids, then the first opportunity he has in weeks, he takes off. And when he just decides to take a day off somewhere in the middle of the afternoon, I can't even plan to do something. He's going to be very surprised WHEN this separation takes place. He will have an exact day that he will spend with his kids and that will include weekends. I haven't gone out on a Friday or Saturday in years. He takes Mondays or Tuesdays off if he takes any days at all. What the hell am I supposed to do on a Monday or Tuesday?!

Anyway, that's my rant. For now, anyway! I'm sure I'm going to have more over the next few months. Saves me from a breakdown!

Tomorrow, I'm taking Chelsea out to a riding stable to have a look at their classes. She needs something to look forward to and to distract her from the chaos surrounding her. Both the kids are starting to act out, but especially her. She is still her sweet self, but she's having moments where she's being just disrespectful to me. She's lashing out, I know that, and it makes me feel bad. It's also more fuel for Jim's fire that I'M ruining her life, and destroying her family.

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

Trace,

I forget how old Chelsea is but at age 9 and age 11, most children act the way you are describing. 11's aren't satisfied with much and think everything is unfair, and everyone else is at fault. Just teacher observations, you know your daughter better than I do. But if she's 9 or 11, that about sums it up for "normal" kids in school.

Anne

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And when the winds of change begin to blow,
I'll whisper, "You're my lighthouse" in case you didn't know.

Sons of Maxwell

visit my website!:
Anne's Philly Phan Site at http://www.gbsfanatic.com

Yeah, she's 11. She'll be 12 in February. I know part of it is that she's starting to pull away from me to gain independence, but it's just been in the last week that she's started talking to me with that 'you're so stupid' attitude. I know she's angry and confused. She says that the whole separation doesn't bother her because she's been 'putting up with fighting her whole life'. That made me sadder than anything else. If I'd just had the guts to do this sooner. But hindsight is 20/20 and I can't go back in time. All I can do is take care of now and think about the future.

Do you know what's REALLY getting to me? My family and friends thinking I should be jumping with happiness and celebrating. They don't seem to understand my sadness. Yes, my marriage has been lousy for a very long time, but divorce was not a goal I set that I should be happy to have reached. I am sad that my children have to deal with this, I am sad that somewhere along the line, I lost the Jim I used to know. I'm just sad. And scared. And I wish they'd get that. That's why coming here has been good. I'm getting that from all of you. And I'm thankful.

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

Trace - are you in love with the ghost of a man who hasn't been around for years?    I think most of us know what that's like.  I don't know as there's any way out of it.  Our culture says that, for men, marriage means you've got it made and can just drop the ball; for women, marriage means just keep trying.  There are rare and wondrous exceptions, but that really does seem to be the rule.  Still, a graveyard can be comfy if it's the only place you've been for years.  Take your time, keep talking to people, and remember - a lot of the folks who think you should be jumping for joy just might want you to do it for them, because they haven't got the guts to open those rusty old gates and take a walk...

Love, Columbine 

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Col, it's ironic that you used the term 'ghost'. I've been thinking of a song by Sting called 'Ghost Story'. (I'm sappy that way.) From the first time I heard it, it made me think of my relationship with Jim. Such a sad song. The lyrics that get me most are these:

You were my compass star
You were my measure
You were a pirate's map
A buried treasure

If this was all correct
The last thing I'd expect
The prosecution rests
It's time that I confess: I must have loved you

But it IS past tense. And like another song by Matchbox 20 says...'there's no getting back to good.'

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

Trace, I have tried to find the words to reply to you about this several times, lately and haven't found the right words.  Reading your posts has given me feelings of sadness, fear, anger and most of all jealousy.

Because I know how you feel. 

Because I wish I had your courage.

Walking away from a marriage, lousy or not, is not something to celebrate in my book either.  It is terribly sad and lonely to be IN that situation, but it hurts even more to be alone, after so many years of trying, putting up with it, hoping for things to change, and loosing the person you thought you married.

My kids (at home) are 10 1/2 and soon-to-be 9 and they have lived with it all thier lives too, but they love their Dad and know nothing else.  I have no doubt it would hurt Molly terribly if i finally left him; she'd be the same way to me too.  And yes, she has already adopted the 10 y.o. "uh Mommmm" snitty attitude - I shudder to think of her reaction if i ever got the courage and finances up to leave John.  Quite frankly the idea scares the sh!t out of me, more than his rage does.   

I don't talk about it much here anymore.  But I am getting pushed farther and farther away.  I can not take much more of John's insanity.  He is an angry man with a lot of issues that have been left unresolved for decades.  He has a right to be angry - just not at me.  Whether it is Post Traumatic Shock disorder, Bi-polar disorder, Acute Anxiety disorder or any combination of those, I don't care what they call it, it manifests as very ugly behavior. 

We can go for weeks just happy and peaceful and loving, and then soemthing inside his brain just snaps and all bets are off and we spend the next week walking on egg-shells, never knowing what will set him off.  Each time, we seem to drift further apart.  I have just about stopped caring anymore.  I feel empty and alone.

Like i said, i wish i had your courage (and resources - family and friends).  I admire you for taking this step.  As hard as it might be right now, and as sad as you might feel, it is the right thing to do for you and for the kids.  Take strength in knowing that.

pfft...who am i to talk?

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Helen




I'm goin' Straight to Hell-On-Wheels!

Thank you Helen. Knowing that you know exactly how I'm feeling means a lot to me. I wish I felt that I was being courageous. Right now I just feel scared and confused. I've found a couple of apartments but I'm afraid to go look at them. Looking might mean liking and liking might mean taking. I've decided to just get a 2 bedroom, that's all I can afford now. The kids need their personal spaces, but I don't need to spend an extra $200 a month just to have a room to sleep in. I trusted that Jim was going to leave, but he's not making any moves to do so. I couldn't keep up with the bills here anyway. On top of paying for the house, we also have the gas, water and hydro, plus phone, satellite, internet and cell phone. I just couldn't do all that. I wish I didn't have Adrian whining about all the things he doesn't want to happen. And he's oblivious to what's going on for me...asking me today if I've figured out who will be giving out candy on Halloween. I haven't given one thought to Halloween. Couldn't care less, really. I also told him that there was no way he was getting a Wii for Christmas and he yelled at me, 'Why not?!'. I explained to him that I cannot afford it and he replied, 'Well, can SOMEBODY get me one?!'. And I know part of it is AS, but it's extremely aggravating and stressful. Chelsea, on the other hand, looks at apartment listings with me and gets excited about going to look at them.

I'm sure one day I will wake up and realize that what I'm doing now was courageous and that I was strong, but right now, I'm not feeling it. It's taking everything I have not to back down and go into the same old patterns as before...I tell him to leave or that I'm leaving, a few days go by and it's dropped. Till the next time.

Helen, I think one day you will reach the point that I have. I just wish it hadn't taken me 20 years to do it. I feel that I did my kids absolutely no favours by staying here. In fact I probably subjected them to more trauma than if we'd just left. But as I said before, hindsight is 20/20. I can only keep moving ahead. One thing I MUST do is stop second guessing myself. It's in my nature. But it's also what's kept me here, so I'll have to learn to stop. 

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

Trace2716:

One thing I MUST do is stop second guessing myself. It's in my nature. But it's also what's kept me here, so I'll have to learn to stop. 

Sometimes nurture trumps nature.    My hat's off to you, Trace.  There but for grace go any of us, but blessed few return.  Rise like the morning star.

Love, Columbine 

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Sorry to intrude. Havnt been around much and I will read up to read and share, and I do care but right now life fracking sucks. My little cousin has just about lost his fight with leukemia and it sucks in so many ways. At 6 mths he was diagnosed. He spent a year and a half in hospital. When he was 2 after at home chemo he was in remission. That lasted 6 months. He went in for a simple nasel duct procedure and they found out the cancer came back and came back hard. 80 days ago he had a bone marrow transplant. He was home from Toronto earier than they thought. He was out of isolation earlier than they thought. He was home earlier than they thought. Last friday they went for the final tests, and the cancer was eating 70% of the marrow. He only has 30% to fight it, and there is nothing left that can be done. Tom his father is in denile. The 18 year old brother is numb, the 15 year old sister is flipping. Cindy the mom is the bravest person I have ever known. When she took him home on Friday, she took him to the park. She let him go down the slide without dissinfecting it. She took him to walmart to go shopping. Than she took him to mcDonalds and let him play. The little things we have always let our kids do. I dont think Cindy has given up, I think she has decided to let her child enjoy life while he can. They booked a trip to Disney World thanks to the make a wish foundation. The leave tomorrow. I guess the thing that bothers me the most is why? When Brady was hospitalized for a cold, my son had a lump in his jaw. Why was I so lucky. What did Brady do to deserve this? What did Cindy do? When Alex was in the hospital over X-mas almost 3 yrs ago for his biopsy, just after Brady was diagnosed, Cindy came to see me. She had been there for over a month. She was so calm. I was a wreck. I guess Im asking anyong who is religious to say a prayer and anyone whos not to keep this family in their thoughts. They need it.

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Lyndz

I'm sorry, Lyndz.  I'll be thinking of them.

Love, Columbine 

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Lyndz...nothing like something so huge to make me realize that MY problems are small in comparison. My heart goes out to you and Brady and his family. I have no answers to the 'why' questions. It never seems fair. My prayers to all of you.

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.