Helenwheels:

My ex is being really difficult, and probably wont call me with any news, good or bad.  He is the one making me feel guilty, blaming me for not calling enough, and pretty much stated that I don't care about my son, and says "and Chris knows you don't care".  NOT TRUE, but I guess that's how HE sees it, and has projected his feelings about me onto Chris. 

I hope Chris knows that I do care and I love him no matter what.

He does.  If there's one thing any kid can tell, even in their sleep, it's when they're being used as a chess piece.  I'd even venture to guess that it might be at least part of why he took off, perhaps; to play the Judas effectively enough to get your ex to approve of him.  It's a hockey puck's life.

Love, Columbine (but you can call me frank) 

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And kids also know when they're tired of being used that way. My husband constantly gripes to Adrian when he has a problem with me and finally just recently, Adrian told him to knock it off and stop putting him in the middle. If Jim needs to bitch and moan to someone, he should call a friend like I call my sister when I'm mad at him. But yeah, my point was that kids get tired of being in the middle and not all of them express it the same way. Col (or Frank! LOL!) may be right about why he left. I know that doesn't change how you feel, Helen. I know none of us can stop the guilt train from speeding along the tracks. For you, or ourselves. I know it certainly doesn't help when you have the ex guilting  and blaming you, but just remember that he's doing it because it's far easier to lay the blame on someone else than to face up to what HE may have done wrong.

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

Chris called tonight.  He is home and safe.  We had a long talk. 

Other things are still a wreck - but HE is ok. 

I am exhausted and emotionally drained - I'll update tomorrow.  I just want to say how grateful I am for everyone's kind and supportive words, and friendship here.  You have no idea how much you mean to me.

 

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Helen




I'm goin' Straight to Hell-On-Wheels!

Thank goodness he's safe! I'm so glad. I think I know how you feel about the people here, because I feel the same.

I got an email from my mom and it was basically things you learn throughout your life, and one line was...

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need is to cast blame on others.

Kind of ironic, considering that's pretty much what I said about Helen's ex blaming her.

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

That's good news, Helen. No matter if your talk with him went well or badly or in between, it's a good sign that he "allowed" you to have a long talk with him rather than him trying to shut you out.

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"I see you in the front row, bouncing up and down, you're ripped and ready for a night downtown." ~ Margarita
What's wrong with a little flirtation?

Monster Tee

Helen,

So glad Chris is home and safe.  What a relief!  I hope you were able to get some good sleep last night knowing he's ok. 

Robin

Helen , sorry I was not here to help you with your burden, however I am glad the worst is over for you.

I have not had that experience so I won't say I know how it feels however I have had other issues and what I keep in my mind is that I gave them(my children) a good foundation. In there formative years I was  constantly and fearlessly thier champion. Whether it was selling girl guide cookies with my daughter or, strongly encouraging a teacher to understand one of them from the child's perspective. I think from those lessons my children understand that I will always love them no matter what. Its not neccesarily the amount of time we spend with them or that we tell them we love them but the fact that when they do need us there, we are.

If I remember correctly You were there for Chris not so long ago when his Dad could no longer hold it together. I'm sure he remembers that, and so should his Dad and give you the break, and let you know when things go south with Chris. Using blame to look at a problem is going no where to fix it. Perhaps Dad needs counselling to learn how to deal with his sons issues.

I truely understand being tired of dealing with a son's issues I was hoping by the time Alex was 20 he would be able to handle it himself but here I am still taking him to the doctor, still explaining why we are there and what he needs to have. I can't do this for the rest of his life When does it all cease to be my issue to deal with? Have I created this monster? When I let go I watch the crash and wait to see where it all is headed before I pick up the pieces(it's always headed south (down)). What's a mother to do?

 

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~The mind is like a parachute, It always works best when it's open~Edna Buchanan~

~Northern Spy~The Apple of my Pie~

~Audrey~

Oh Audrey, I hear you. I just told Adrian today that since his first class isn't till second period, he will be responsible for making his lunch to take to school. I told him that he's 18 years old, it's the least he can do (literally). He keeps telling me he wants a job and he wants me to believe he can be responsible, but I see no evidence of it around here. His room is closing in on him. He literally has a 2 ft wide walkway from the door to his bed. There are clothes piled around his room, you can't even get into the closet or the 2 bottom drawers of his dresser. I've asked him for the last week to find the booklets from his english class because he has to do credit recovery and with the booklets that he's already done, he'll be one step ahead. Has he found them? Nope. And school starts tomorrow. Yes Audrey, I wonder when it will end too.When that magical day come when I don't have to do everything? But in a couple of years, Chelsea will be a teenager and I'll have to go thru it all over again! Currently, she is more responsible than Adrian (came upstairs last night to find her scooping out the cat litter without having been asked!), but who knows what she'll be like as a teen!

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Some people shine like a star in the first moment. Others keep their light hidden until they are ready to show us.

Audrey and Trace - I too have the same toughts...Chris is 16...I wonder if he will become trully indpendent and self sufficient.  Will he be able to get a driver's license?  What will he be able to do for a living and will it be enough?  Who is going to advocate for him when he is 18?  Will he always need a parent or supportive/responsible adult to make sure he is going to the Dr., getting his meds, going to what ever job he has?  When will it end...or will it never end? 

Is that what having special needs means?  He will always have needs.

Robin, it WAS a good talk.  He was very open; I was very understanding.  He told me he just wanted to get away from Dad and have fun, to celebrate his b'day with his buddies.  I told him that if he ever needs to do that again, he can call us (me or John) and just let us know he is safe and with friends.  And not only did I get to tell him that I love him, no matter what, he even told me that he loves me too.  That was HUGE for him! 

Trace, I like the quote from your mom, thanks!  It is so true!

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Helen




I'm goin' Straight to Hell-On-Wheels!

Helenwheels:

 And not only did I get to tell him that I love him, no matter what, he even told me that he loves me too.  That was HUGE for him! 

Also sounds to me like it clicked somewhere in there what all this did to you and he feels guilty and isn't looking at you like you've got 2 heads for "getting upset over nothing".

Hopefully it a turning point for both of you (together).

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"I see you in the front row, bouncing up and down, you're ripped and ready for a night downtown." ~ Margarita
What's wrong with a little flirtation?

Monster Tee

oh Helen, you are in my prayers I hope you get soem answers really soon!!!

 

 

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There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

Robin, that is wonderful news!  I am so happy for you and Karissa!

What a difference a good, thorough Doc can make!  Wow!

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Helen




I'm goin' Straight to Hell-On-Wheels!

Binny, Fantastic!

 

Helen, I am so golad he's home

 

Trace- as I recall your Chelsea was into astronomy and you were homeschooling here - this link might help http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=2842  - Just a thought. 

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Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus
"Take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." E. Wiesel
OKP's Resident B****
Imprudens est draconem vivum de consiliis tuis omittere.
Steet team Leader for NYS, OH and Southern Ontario.

Binny, what wonderful news!  I know how relieved you must feel.  Please keep us posted on what the test results show.

Helen, Trace, Audrey - I know what you mean about "will it ever end."  Emma drives and holds down a job; however, her room is a complete disgrace.  Gum quished into the carpet.  Clothes everywhere - who knows what's dirty and what's clean.  I have been trying for MONTHS to get her to go through her clothes.  She is telling me she needs bras; not buying her one article of clothing until the clothes are gone through.  Food items all over; can't ignore those because it becomes a health hazard so about 3 times a week I go up there and remove all the drinks, food wrappers, squished twinkie on the bed, etc.  I have to remind her to take her meds or it wouldn't happen.  I too have to take her to the doctor, psychiatrist, etc.  My true fear is she will be 19 next April and if she isn't a full time student she is off of our health insurance.  That is truly scary.  She's 18 but surely doesn't have the maturity that goes with it.  She blows through every dime she makes and has absolutely nothing to show for it.  But she seems content with her life so that is important too.  She just can't see the big picture and she really needs to start thinking about her future.  So many kids she knows have gone off to college in the last 2 weeks; thought it might bother her as she is college material.  Nope, she could care less.  Plus she's a thief - takes my shoes, my brush, mascara, etc.  We are not the same size in clothes (she's a 3, I'm well, you know, bigger - LOL!) or I'd have to go naked.  I have to hide my flip flops and sandals in my vehicle.  Plus whenever she wears or uses my stuff she loses them.  Everything is disposable to her.  I don't even buy her deoderant any more cuz she loses them.  She just uses mine (gross!).  Okay, enough.....I need to get my butt in gear for work.  All we can do is pray that one day they'll be on their own.  I know I was so independent at 18; didn't want my parents to do a thing for me.  Emma would let me wipe her butt still if I would.  I know she has problems and I fear she will be here abusing us as long as we will put up with it.  But I can't kick her out; I know she'd sink or swim, but her judgement and her impulses aren't right so I don't even want to think about what could happen to her.  I'll continue to pray for all of our kids and us.  Have a good day ladies!!!

Robin

Binny...such good news! I'm so happy for your family!

Andi...thank you for that link. Part of the curriculum for grade 6 is Space, so that will come in handy. Thanks so much for thinking of us!

Robin...It's hard, isn't it? I asked my mom if I was imagining how mature I was at 18 and she said that nope, I was right. I moved into an apartment at 18 with one of Jim's bandmate's girlfriends. If she hadn't turned out to be a complete psycho hosebeast, I probably wouldn't have moved back home! But for the 7 months I lived with her, we never had a party and we each worked and paid all of our bills on time and kept a tidy house. But I had a father who, throughout my life, told all of us kids that if we didn't clean a room (our rooms, play room) that he was coming in with a shovel and a garbage bag! And he meant it! He actually did it once, so we learned he meant business! My niece, who moved into her own place in May is finding out what it's like to have someone making a mess of your place...she's sick of her friends hanging around there, especially when she's at work, and fi