Oh how you touch me heart dear vulnerable pup.

I understand how you feel like a bystander to your own life, and to a point, in being honest with yourself I suppose there is some truth to this. However, as a person who loves your music, respects your intelligence, appreciates your show-man-ship, admires your strength, and feels your inner rawness, I'd like to remind you how very much you have given already to this world through your music. You may feel like you have missed everything, but please don't underestimate how much you have contributed and have "been present" enough to write incredible lyrics, sing hardy and sweet notes that energize the masses and touch as many.

Your ability to voice yourself so honestly, vulnerably, and eloquently is a beautiful gift indeed. You are a master. Enjoy your exhiliration and remember in those times when the pain stabs, and it will, it is but a pinch that you are alive and present and well and feeling your life to the fullest, with all that that encompasses.

I'm not sure where this is going either, except that I want you to know how much we lub and support you and the by's. Your journey is a somewhat public one and we carry you in our hearts.

You may feel different inside yourself, but rest assure that we still see you as the same entertaining wonderful person as before only better.


Courage & Patience & Grit.....oh yeah...and kibbles!!

Hey -

I'm glad you wrote it down, and wrote it so well, and Iluvmebys also responded very eloquently. Lovely bit of writing, that.

I think if you look at your lyrics, you'll see that your music has been where you've truly been alive and present.  You actually have been examining and sharing your life, its struggles, its joys, with us all along. So, yeah, listen to the songs.  You already know what you need to know, you've just had a hard time hearing that voice in your heart. My sponsor used to tell me that, as many times as I needed to hear it. I think it's a very common scenario when you're going through this kind of stuff.

This may be a rough fall and winter, but it's entirely possible, as you so beautifully wrote, that will be alright when summer comes...

Keep the faith, man.  You're right where you're supposed to be, and you'll come out the other side wiser, happier, and stronger.

p.s. (I always seem to forget something that I meant to say.)

How lucky that you are able to be present while your little ones are still young - It sucks to miss out on all the magical things that happen when they're growing.  They'll be so glad you're "there" when you're with them.  My dad wasn't, he was inside a bottle, and I wonder how my life would have been different if he had been more present.

I'm a stepmom.  My little darlin' is 11 now and I've been with her and her dad since she was 3.  I never thought I'd have kids, and I'm so glad she's in my life.  I'm glad I managed to pull myself together before she came into my life, but I tell ya, sometimes I really wish I hadn't missed those first 3 years.  Not that I can do anything about that, but I missed a lot, just for a different reason.

Lucky you, lucky them.  :)

Sean, “thawing” in life can be scary. .. but beautiful.  I guess we wouldn’t be given the ability to “feel” if the ability wasn’t meant to be used, right?  Darned ability. Bittersweet but beautiful. I’ve often thought, “If on my death bed, would I  rather know I have FELT something during this life or detached myself?”  When in those “fateful” situations, feeling  seems to win, and it must be that way for a reason, I guess.  Thank goodness for outlets.  Glad you seem to have some outlets: writing, music, sharing love with those around you. whatever can help..beagle walks, too. Fresh air and fog. (ok, maybe not the fog :) )
May I suggest a few book titles? I’m a strong believer in reading up on stuff. They may help if even a bit.

First Year Sobriety – When All that Changes is Everything  - Guy Kettelheck
366 Days of Recovery, My First Year in Recovery – Rozelle F. White, Sr. (I’m a sucker for day-to-day encouragement-type books. They seem to help.)
The Spirituality of Sobriety- Finding the Spiritual Awakening in Recovery – Gregg D

Take it easy on yourself.  
One day at a time.
Be proud of yourself, and happy for the years you may have just gained...physically and emotionally.
Laugh lots.

Tosh, I know completely what you're going through. A few years ago I was blessed to become incredibly ill... I know that sounds really strange, but up until that point I was ridiculously selfish and goal oriented. I'd do anything to get what I wanted, even step over my own family. I'd said things that really hurt people close to me. I was intoxicated by my job and its rewards.

When I got sick, I couldn't do anything for myself. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't tie my own shoes. I needed supervision in order to take a shower or go down the stairs so that I wouldn't hurt myself if I passed out.

It was in that illness that I had that real moment of clarity that you're having right now. Everything that I prized was no longer there for me. All I had was my family and it didn't matter where I'd been or what I'd done before. When my eyes were opened to this truth everything became much more real -- the sky was bluer, grass greener and the tangibles in my life were more accessible, dimensional, stronger.

I've made a lot of choices between then & now... not all were right, but all were true to my redefined identity... despite all the change, I still don't completely know where I'm going or what the ultimate goal may be, but I'm enjoying the ride. The unknowns are what keep it new and worth pursuing. Have fun on your new path, take every turn and revel in the experience... just don't ever turn back.

"I have emotionally detached myself from what I can’t control..."

Just another thought... have you ever heard of Mindfulness Meditation? that totally sounds like it. Read the Mindful Way Through Depression after sexual assault last year when I felt my life was spinning way out of control & basic demands of life were making me dizzy. Understanding and accepting that life has its own momentum that is beyond my control and that that is okay was essential to my recovery. There are a few things that we can control and its important to remember and feel pride in the complete mastery of them... ie. while living in Cape Breton, I can fix my makeup, but I can't control my hair... breathe --> accept --> smile... okay, that's a really shallow example, but you get the point. Look it up, give it a shot ;)

So happy for you in your new journey! So proud too! Many have not been able to do what you have accomplished in your life and been sober to realize all their many blessings God has given them! So you keep on and Embrace the highs and lows and know you will come out all right in the end!! Cheering for you from the corner!!

Well, we've moved from being able to lick yourself to this...pretty heavy stuff.  All kidding aside, you have always been present with us...in your music...so your instincts are right...go back and listen to the songs.

You have a gift and we envy your willingness to share yourself with us.

If I was there in person I'd give you a big hug and tell you what you mean to me and all those who care so much and hope to be able to support you.

Hang in there Sean...oops, I mean Tosh...this is the moment that you've lived for and you just can't live without!

Just like a man with poor eyesight that finally gets glasses.

The world is there to enjoy and contemplate. And it looks like you're ready to embrace it. Congrats!!!

'there are no perfect people in the world, only perfect intentions'

Sounds like you are winning the fight we all struggle with.  staying attached to your life when it is sometimes so easy to let go - to isolate, to stand outside of the frame.  you are right, listen to the songs, listen to your children's laughter, your loved ones breathing.  when it gets tough, they will get you through.  

congrats on the new outlook.  we can sometimes spend a life time trying to find it, even when it is right in front of our eyes.

cheers!

Just so you know, like you I am working on creating positive change in my life and in support of that 5 out of the 6 CDs in my car are by GBS...listening to them makes me happy and there are plenty of positive messages there.

Even though they are attributed to Doyle...you should listen to Lucky Me (over and over)...it really rings true and helps me.

just wanted to add...

you have one of the hardest jobs in the world, from the perspective that while you are on the road, you put yourself out there every night, singing your life stories, histories and anthems, to a room full of people - most of whom you have probably never met.  that takes courage.  and to top things off you are away from the people that matter most in the world for stretches at a time.  you open yourself up to a 'potential world of pain' every night on tour...so please give your self some credit

am happy you have felt yourself come alive these last months because you help me and countless others do it everyday.  

and on my dark days when i do detach, i have a tendency of bringing myself back with a stolen mantra - 'i can see the earth below me, and i can feel it turn'.  

Tosh. Welcome back!

Wow. Somehow I feel as if I've just met you. Lovely post. Such a shame you only live once, eh? But it's a great life, isn't it? And, you have already contributed immensely to thousands of people. Wow. Like I said. Just think what you're capable of... Exhilarating indeed and very cool.

Hold your nose and jump, beagle buddy. Life is Here and Now. :)

WOOF!

Consider reading "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera, if you haven't already. Seriously. A lot more interesting than most self-help books I've read and a lot more insightful too.

As a bonus, it has a wonderful section discussing relationships with dogs.

Remember to feel the good.

When you get home,
listen to "this time"
and slow dance,
barefoot...

"The things I left behind,
have melted in my mind,
now there's a purity,
inside of me.

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines,
Been waiting for a dream to seep into my blinds
I wonder what would happen if I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back,
could I get you off my mind.
this time." - Chris Trapper

Peace out
-Michael

Ah, don't go looking to your demise just yet, you just came back from the dead!  Someone told me once a million(feels like it, but it was probably more like 20) years ago that the beauty of being sober is that you get to feel everything, and that the thing that sucked about being sober is that you got to feel everything.  Keep writing whatever you need to down if it helps and know there's alot of support here - you have a whole army of people who want you to succeed in this mammoth effort, which is great and I admire you more than ever (like your sparkling personality and your musical and lyrical brilliance weren't enough) for being brave enough to share this with your public like this.  A hard enough thing to do without doing it in the spotlight, that's for sure!

Cheers to you (it can be done with tonic and lime and no one ever knows the difference) and keep the faith!

Kati

As with anything that smothers your ability to truly feel (alcohol, drugs, etc.) coming back to yourself is such an amazing feeling.  It is both scary and exhilarating, but definitely worth the ups and downs.  In the long run you will look back and thank the Powers That Be (and I'm not talking about Darrell and his family...haha) for making the choice to go the sober route.

Tonic and lime, orange juice and 7-up/soda...it all works to create the illusion that you have a drink in your hand.  It's what I do when I'm at a house party and nobody asks.

Bonnie... "Powers that be"... *g* LOVE IT!

 Hang in and take the time to rediscover yourself...from all that we know about you you're someone ( or should that be somepup) special. And know that you walk in a world that surrounds you with love...your family, your friends, they are the important ones who will always be there and always have been.
There's beauty there, where ever you are in life...find it and give it and yourself a chance.

If it helps at all, Sean, know that we all go through it.  I hate the thought of you feeling alone in all of this.  We all go through a period where we find a way to dull the painful aspects of life.  Some don't use drugs or alcohol but learn to shut out our feelings because we just can't deal.  It's too overwhelming to process in that moment.  You aren't any different from the rest of us in that respect - you just chose a more obvious way of shutting life out.

I spent most of my childhood living in my head because it was too painful to deal with the verbal and emotional abuse in my family.  And I am by no means unique.  We all disconnect and have to reconnect at some point. For what it's worth, you know we're all here, empathizing, sympathizing, and sending our love and support.  You are not alone.  

Oh..I dont know..you seem like a pretty smart guy to me..suffice to say I am not privy to alot of things..but if it is any consolation..just keep doing whatever it is you do..and the pieces fall into place on their own...Not to over analyze..but I'm sure you'll find your own way...Writing is a great outlet..i wish more people did that and were able to share...maybe someday..but not yet.. ..you'll be fine

How does one deal with stress and problems.  

Write out - Do you write about what you are going through in a journal for yourself.  This is a great way for someone as talented as yourself to get some of the crap inside out.  If in time you want to share your experiences with others (family, friends, other people going through the same situation) more power to you.  

Run Out - Does the steady beat of the blood flowing through you body calm you while you run, or the success point where you've pushed a little farther, or ran a little harder drive the inner peace?.  

Jam out - Practice and play various songs, differing levels of difficulty.  Does a new song make you focus harder, does the repetition drive it all out? Find your muses and use them to their full extent..

Home? any of the above will work, but playtime with wife/kids/friends/family, the comfort (smells, foods, cycles) of home, and a slow of work/ no costant go - are a bonus.

May the road be smooth

Peace out

Michael

I am proud of the steps you are taking and the clarity you are finding.

I think it is good that you are writing this down, not for now, maybe not for next month or even next year...but I have found several of my poems, thoughts, stories, etc, from years ago and when I've read them again they take me back.  I remember where I was and what I was going through and see just how far I have come.

May you find that one day when you read your words again...may you remember where you were and just how far you have come.  

For now, I wish you only the best and hope for only bigger and better things -- not only you, but for those of us that you share yourself with when you step on stage.

Hugs, kisses and good thoughts!

All I can say is congratulations. :) I am just trying to wake myself up now too...I hope I gain your determination and clarity.

Fantastic show in Atlanta tonight btw. The awareness and LIFE you're feeling is so evident and came through in your performance too, I noticed it the minute the lights came up. It's been a while since I've gotten to a GBS gig but my first thought was "Dude, Sean is like, GLOWING. He looks like he's doing amazingly." Which, clearly, it sounds like you are. :) Cheers to stepping into like, to waking up.

You, and the show tonight (particularly "Here and Now," "Sleep to Dream," "Hard Case," and "Walk On the Moon"...all hit very personal chords w/me) are inspiring me to do the same.

BTW, I was the one who yelled "Red Bull!" when you asked what vice was left you could choose. Hope I don't send anyone into diabetic shock with suggestions of taking up a Red Bull addiction. :p

Bran > I know you can wake the sleeper withing.  You just might need to poor some double shot espressos down its throat to get it going, but you will get it done.

You have to find your motivation and cling to it with every part of your being.  Write a list of goals that you need to strive for to make it, and cross them off as you achieve them.  It won't be an easy road and it won't happen quickly but if you want it bad enough it WILL happen.

Hell, I'm 36 now, going to MUN and living in St. John's...I wanted to be here long before now, yet life got in the way and I had a son out of wedlock.  But now we are both here, many years later than I wanted to be but it's better late than never!

Sean/Tosh > writing things down is an excellent form of self-therapy.  And it will also serve as a remind of where you've been and how far you've come.  I've been doing it for years and it's helped me be the person I am now.  Yes, I'm cracked but in a good way and I've made some pretty major mistakes in my life, but I'm still here with the war wounds on my body and soul to prove it.  Do whatever you need to do to help yourself get through the day.