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Tosh's Tails

Half Bottle Theory

There is noone more dangerous than an optimist. An optimist is a person who is just too lazy to prepare for the worst and possessed of an irrational confidence that everything will always work out fine in the end. They r great fun to be around when everything is hunky dory, but when the shit hits the fan, an optimist can be your greatest liability. 

Optimists should never be allowed to fly. Positive thinking in airports can only lead to humiliation and regret. Or worse; an extensive layover in Toronto. I have a close friend who suffers from the disease. Time and again she checks in early in the complete faith that her plane will depart on time, make its connection, and arrive at its destination with all bags intact. Don’t know bout u, but if i passed that fairytale into my high school lit teacher, she’d have me sent to the principals office and asked to pee in a cup. 

Unfortunately, an optimist can be right approximately 50% of the time and, being optimists, they consider this to be an acceptable rate of success. Every time one of these poor wretches just happens to be correct, they become more entrenched in their deluded ways. Unable to discern the thin line between reality and fantasy, and often unwilling to listen to reason, many optimists simply end up falling through the cracks.

Many are seen in their final days walking aimlessly in the freezing Newfoundland rain, wearing nothing but their bathing suits waiting for the sun to come out......

There is currently no known cure for optimism.


Tosh


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Published Thursday, August 21, 2008 5:41 PM by Marielee

Comments

 

TinaMack said:

Hahaha!!! Tosh! Awesome entry you crusty old dog. I'm worse than an optimist...chew on that.  

WOOF!
August 21, 2008 7:29 PM
 

Fran said:

I usually hope my glass is full but expect it to be empty, that way I am not disappointed when I turns out dry and pleasantly surprised when it turns out it's full.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. If you drag an umbrella with you, you are less likely to get rained on, whether you are in your bathing suit or not.
August 21, 2008 7:30 PM
 

OregonRain said:

Bottle half full or half empty, you ask?  Depends on what is in the bottle and who drank the other half.  

I am never an optimist in airports.  Nothing good has ever happened to me in an airport.  Trying to get to Minneapolis? How's Detroit sound instead?  Missed a connection to Cleveland in Las Vegas? How 'bout spending the night in the airport and we'll send you to Houston in the morning?  Attempting to get from Charleston, SC back to Oregon?  Sorry, no can do. Would you like Atlanta instead?  It isn't any closer to home, but it is a lot bigger, uglier and noisier.  Plane lands in Phoenix, but can we get off of it?  Nooooo, there was a security breach in the airport, so obviously someone on the plane that just landed caused it.  I repeat, nothing good has ever happened in an airport, and I never expect it to.  The only thing worse than the airport, is the plane itself.  I'm pretty sure it is impossible for those things to fly.......

On the other hand, on horseback, absolutely, bottle is completely full, no matter what my eyes tell me.  I WILL get back on that horse, whatever horrible thing he has just done to me.  It can't happen twice, right?  We WILL jump that downhill line successfully.  My horse will NOT trip over the first jump, crash into the second one and throw me into the brush on the third one by refusing it altogether.  Everytime I don't fall and break my neck, it's "YEEHAW, do it again!"  never mind that the first scenario is much more likely, given my brainless beast (i love my horsey).  Doesn't matter, he always promises to do it right this time, and I always believe him.  Everyone has their blindspots.

Hey look!  It's sunny out, maybe it'll be a nice weekend, after this week of ridiculous rain.........  Wait, what was it in that bottle?  Did I drink that whole thing?
August 21, 2008 8:09 PM
 

Doodle said:

Haha tash you are awsome i don't know about a cure for optimism but I am sure one day they will find one :P
August 21, 2008 8:26 PM
 

MariaB said:

Tosh sounds like your half glass is bitter about something. We all are what we are and are part of something quite lovely. Cynics are right 50% too but who are we to judge? Why should we? Isn't it better to embrace our experiences and gifts without trying to have some kind of control over them? Holding too tight might just make things crack. I think optimists are as right as anyone else and may be more fun to be with as you said. Why do we never see the beauty in human frailty but only in human strength? You are a wonderful dog breath deep and be happy.
August 21, 2008 10:11 PM
 

Horatia said:

So that's what's wrong with the folks walking around in the swimsuits... thought they were uninformed tourists!

Personally, my glass is only half full when a well intentioned friend is trying to take it away from me... otherwise, its half empty. Though empty doesn't bother me the way you'd think it should... because melancholy donkey's perpetually in search of their tails usually tell the best stories & the world is much funnier when you can anticipate the simple bear's fall just in time to point and laugh... something the optimist can't seem to do.

Nice to read you again. Don't stay away so long next time.
August 21, 2008 11:16 PM
 

Columbine said:

Hey, Tosh!  There's a guaranteed cure for optimism, and we all have access to it... eventually.

Meanwhile, when dealing with airlines, I try to speak softly and carry a huge honkin' book.  Or two.  And some puzzles, and candy, and an iPod, and a water bottle, and I should probably learn to knit, and...
August 22, 2008 12:24 AM
 

micazon said:

Expecting the worst and, despite oneself, hoping vaguely for the best is a treacherous and ultimately painful slope. We are the people who will wear rain slickers as necessary but have a bathing suit nearby in case the sun does come out . . . not that it looks like it will, of course . . .
August 22, 2008 8:28 AM
 

Helenwheels said:

Oh Sean, you have no idea...

I have been called The Eternal Optimist for decades.  

I left my spouse and children in Colorado on Wednesday with more obstacles to hurdle than you could imagine, but I was full of optimism that everything would work out, and that I would indeed take care of everything from here on the East coast.  My husband is a "half empty" kind guy - he sees obstacles and the worst that could happen; I see possibilities and hope for the best.

Yes, I got on my plane with out a plan, but with blind confidence.

Half an hour before doors at the Bottle and Cork last night I had my family taken care of, everything worked out, had myself a lovely day at the beach and was ready for night of music at "the greatest rock and roll bar in the world"!  
I'd gone through Hell to make it happen, but it was worth every single cent!  You guys put on a great show last night.

I will undoubtably remain incurable.
August 22, 2008 8:53 AM
 

DebbieMeldrum said:

Ya see, Tosh, we optimists may only be right half the time, but then so are pessimists.  Meanwhile, we get to be happy 100% of the time feeling that anticipation of something good about to happen.  

I'm thinking the pessimists---not so much with the happy.
August 22, 2008 2:50 PM
 

estellefm said:

Optimists send good vibes. Pessimists ruin the fun.

Good luck catching your plane home tomorrow, and see you in a couple weeks!!! or so. :D
August 22, 2008 5:14 PM
 

SophiesMomma said:

Tosh, the only cure I can think of is to be away from your BFF for weeks at a time.  Makes me a pessimistic, cranky, moody, sad girl every time.  My BFF (Mel) had to go about a week ago, fire assignment or something.  Don't know what that is, just know she left.  Hopefully, she will be back soon, so life can be fun and cheery again.  I suspect she misses me too..  I am sure of it.  She always brings many new things, toys, treats, squishies, all my favorite things..  But until then, I will watch through the window by the door, and hope she comes home.  

Don't let this happen to you.  Stick to Sean like glue..
August 23, 2008 4:47 PM
 

Branwyn32 said:

Ah...but it takes an optimist to rescue a dog from a shelter. :)

I've just seen this blog for the first time and I love it, what a great format, Sean! I really just wanted to pop on here and say "thank you" for rescuing Tosh. I've spent the last 4 months working at an animal hospital and in animal rescue, and regularly foster dogs through a couple rescue groups...normally Siberian huskies (I got a thing for sled doggies!) but right now a sweet little pug that was rescued from a puppy mill. He's got some abandonment issues too, but he's the sweetest, most loving dog you could ever meet. I've learned alot about rescue and the conditions of animal shelters and the millions of dumped/abandoned/stray animals that never make it out. :(

So Sean, I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU for rescuing! I'm sure Tosh thanks you every day. :) Give him a scratch on the head for me!

Tosh, if you're on the bus with the b'ys in Atlanta in October, pop out for a belly rub!
August 25, 2008 2:56 AM
 

Chiarascura said:

I think you should organize a "Walk for the Cure." Optimists love shite like that. Walks, marches, rallies - they are convinced that just by getting together and making loud noises, they will make a difference. So plan that walk over a rickety rope bridge, they'll probably go for it. (After all, they are optimists.)

And then, when you've cleansed the world of this shiny, happy menace, all will finally be free to lock themselves in their rooms, lick their balls ad infinitum, and wait for the world to end. Ahhh, peace at last.

Right? ;)
August 25, 2008 12:26 PM
 

AnneInPhilly said:

AH Tosh,

Now that I've read Doyle's Martha's Vineyard FTR, your pessimistic attitude makes lots of sense. I don't think it's good to be optimistic where the airlines are concerned. Expect the worst and then be pleasantly surprised when things work right. Of course, that advice is coming from an eternal optimist. YOu,too, can join our ranks! Have McCann read you the book, Learned Optimism. You CAN teach an old dog...oops sorry, didnt mean to insinuate you are old. I better quit while I'm ahead.
August 25, 2008 3:20 PM
 

Evangeline said:

Optimists always tend to occasion a patient and fond-hearted eye roll from me. God bless their hearts, they try so hard. I, on the other hand, can't help but give in to my nature -- if it can go wrong, it inevitably will. Murphy is a very old and very good friend of mine, and I find that he has a staggeringly accurate and extensive record when it comes to the saying of the sooth. I hold no malice towards optimists, though. You guys do your thing. But when disaster strikes, you can expect a gentle "I told you so" from this lifelong pessimist.
August 26, 2008 9:13 AM
 

jenmcginn2 said:

Dear Tosh,

As one who made the trek all the way to MV to see the boys, I have to say that if Sean had been more of an optimist, perhaps he'd have fared the flight better off.

As one who has been know to say "you think it's only half full?" I believe that a dose of optimism is good medicine. You should try it some time ... and lay off the rest. No calories in optimism, and no hangovers either.
August 27, 2008 7:39 PM
 

andi said:

The Bottle is neither half empty nor half full.
September 2, 2008 1:01 AM
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