You know u r getting old when u start to leak. You wake up from a scotch induced nap on the heathrow express only to find every air vent in site turned up on bust and pointed directly at your arse and a foul demeaner on the faces of your surrounding peers.

“You been leaking gas again” said McCann with his eyes full of water, “and not the laughing kind either.” 

“Sorry man” i offered back sheepishly. And I was too after smelling my own reek.

This has become an all too frequent situation and I am not the sole offender. Buses, trains, subways, and airplanes are all ripe for this kind of pollution. How often have u been sat on a plane next to some poor bastard who enjoyed a nice navrattan curry for lunch and was now at the mercy of his own fumes? You would think, in this technologically advanced age, that we could find a solution to this olfactory dilemma. We can invent the internet but we can’t flavour a fart? what’s up with that?

Why hasn’t some young Steve jobs invented some kind of fruity smelling suppository that would make our wind smell “downy fresh”? He could call it the Ass Mint and make a fortune. Or some kind of nasal prophylactic to prevent unprotected stench? Or even airtite astronaut underwear to keep the vile stuff from escaping.

We all have sphincter issues from time to time and they seem to get worse as we grow older. In lieu of a solution, there is really only one thing to do............. blame the person sitting next to you.

I stink. Therefore I am.

Tosh