"An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men." Charles Darwin

"Daddy, why is the water so brown?" were the last words Thing One said before he was unceremoniously evacuated from the polluted bathtub. Thing Two, had apparently just had an evacuation of his own and now stood knee deep in the fruits of his labour. The sole occupant and supreme ruler of a frequently contested aqueous territory. Satisfied.

It is an awful thing to walk through the waters of life with a buttnugget dangling from your bum. Most people will wisely avoid you and any expectation of social invitations should be lowered accordingly. Launching a fully armed poo torpedo at close range is more akin to an act of war. In a global context, Thing Two might be described as North Korea.

Darwin's Theory of Natural Selection or "Survival of the Shittest" has become a kind of axiom here at the McCann household. But watching these human babies develop, I often wonder if good old Charlie might have been wrong about the source from whence they sprang. Surely their DNA must more closely resemble that of the Yahoos than the far less brazen baboon. What other species has been known to practice this extreme form of defecacious isolationism? But that would make them the stuff of fiction and this, my friends, is all too real.

And why should I care? Being of Canine kind, I am free to poo wherever and whenever I like. I guess in a global context that would make me America.

Now please excuse me while I lick my own arse.

Tosh